“Greetings, Lovers, Legends, and Gods of Desire!” read the Partiful invite for the pre-Valentine’s Day gathering. “Eros, the god of love, drives us all with his mischievous arrows. On this night, we will surrender to his playful whims.” Then, sternly and in all caps: “YOU MUST BE PRE-APPROVED TO GET IN.”
A couple of days later, a text blast came in; the planners of this in-person dating meetup for singles were budgeting for 200 attendees, but more than 1,000 people applied, so there’d be a venue change. RSVPs closed at 3 pm sharp the day of the event. Then, at night, Barbarossa Lounge in San Francisco’s Financial District welcomed the lucky guests who managed to get their names on the list. The event, Love in the Stars, was hosted by local event promoter Spice King and the online platform Paloma, which describes itself as a dating-oriented members club.
Per the invitation’s instructions, attendees dressed to signal their status; the singles wore a dash of red to make themselves identifiable as the ones looking for love. Their non-single supporters wore a splash of white or gold to signal they were already spoken for. Within an hour, there was no room to move. Small talk and awkward flirting filled every inch of the dark bar, with the question “So, do you like working in tech?” bouncing around at the same tempo as the clubby beats.
Welcome to Silicon Valley’s in-person dating scene. These regular events are only accessible to those already in the know. They feature pre-vetted guest lists; invite-only gatherings at villas in Hillsborough, one of the wealthiest towns in California; WhatsApp groups that gather monthly in apartments around town; and private parties with secret locations promising Stanford alumni and “creatives” in attendance. In an area that’s notoriously tough on daters, at a time when dating app fatigue is at an all-time high, the appetite for ways to find love face-to-face is growing into a frenzy.
“We have all collectively realized that dating apps are the worst,” says Allie Hoffman, the founder of the two-year-old organization The Feels, a nationwide in-person dating event series with a strong presence in San Francisco. “There is no intention around how depleting, bot-y, ghosty, breadcrumb-y, gaslight-y and fishy they are. Nobody’s feeling seen or nourished.”
In October 2024, The Feels had hosted an exclusive event at the city’s new spa, Alchemy Springs, and another one is planned for the last week in March at The Center, a yoga and sound bath space.
“Swiping culture doesn’t really work for our generation anymore,” says Spice King, a local event organizer and well-connected private investor who asked to be identified only by his internet handle to protect his career. “Online dating also tends to make you kind of miss a lot of the important things when you are actually searching for a partner.”
While the local market might be flooded with run-of-the-mill ticketed speed-dating events, the trendy gatherings of the moment—like the one hosted by Spice King and Paloma back in February—offer a buffer of curation and certainty.
