Just over two decades ago, the first Hellboy movie hit theaters from director Guillermo del Toro, and it was clearly a passion project for him. Hellboy looks just as good in 2024 as it did in 2004, despite its relatively modest $60 million budget. But that film, its 2008 sequel, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and the 2019 Hellboy reboot all look like masterpieces compared to the recently released Hellboy: The Crooked Man.
Before we get into why the new movie is so awful, I want to say that I’m a big fan of the Hellboy character. I’ve been reading Mike Mignola’s Hellboy comics since their debut in 1994, and I’ve seen every movie, including the Hellboy animated films that were direct-to-video. And I can say without reservation that Hellboy: The Crooked Man fails on every level to capture the appeal of the title character. If you ever see this movie, it won’t be a mystery as to why it skipped theaters. A wide release would have only magnified its failures.
But in the event that this Video on Demand release does go to a streaming service in the future, I feel like it’s my duty to warn other Hellboy fans away from it. I watched Hellboy: The Crooked Man so you didn’t have to… and that’s 99 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. But everyone who has ever loved a Hellboy story should know why this adaptation deserves to be buried indefinitely.
It looks worse than YouTube fan films
How much does $20 million buy in 2024? Because the first thing you’ll notice about The Crooked Man is how cheap it looks. It’s one thing to make a movie with one-third the budget of the original Hellboy, but there have been TV pilot episodes that had lower budgets than this film and still had higher production values and more cinematic flare. Where did all of the money in this movie go? Because it certainly wasn’t the unconvincing makeup for Jack Kesy’s Hellboy, the boring Belgium countryside that stands in for the Appalachian mountains, or some truly amateurish CGI and special effects.
Director Brian Taylor has worked on some terrible comic book adaptations before, including Jonah Hex as a writer and as the co-director of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Both of those films were better than this one, which features shockingly bad editing, mundane camera shots, and a musical score that only calls attention to itself when it keeps repeating the same flat notes over and over again. I’ve seen YouTube fan films that have looked better than this movie that were made for a fraction of the cost.
The story fails to entertain
Typically, a bad comic book movie can’t be blamed on the men and women who created the character. But in this case, Hellboy creator Mike Mignola co-wrote the script with his frequent collaborator, Christopher Golden, as well as director Brian Taylor. That’s why it’s so surprising that this film is seemingly incapable of even capturing Hellboy’s personality.
The Crooked Man is based on one of Mignola’s stories from the Hellboy comics, but its pacing is an absolute slog to get through. Shortcuts to get the story moving in the comics are far less convincing in live-action, especially since Hellboy and Bobbie Jo Song are essentially along for the ride after getting thrown from a train without any serious injuries. The script also does a poor job of setting up the stakes for the main characters, even though one of the core trio has his soul on the line.
Ron Perlman is missed
Good casting can elevate almost any film. Unfortunately, you won’t find any good casting in this movie. Almost anyone would have had a hard time following Ron Perlman’s Hellboy from the first two movies and the animated features. He just embodies the character in a way that hasn’t been matched since. David Harbour (Stranger Things season 5) looked the part in 2019’s Hellboy reboot, but he had more of a whiny take on the main character that didn’t resonate as well.
Jack Kesy has no memorable qualities whatsoever as Hellboy. It doesn’t help that the makeup used on Kesy is far less impressive than his two predecessors. Yet he’s meant to carry this film, and Kesy simply can’t do it. His take on Hellboy is dull and doesn’t capture his working-class-hero vibe or the otherworldly aspects of the character.
The cast comes up well short of the mark
The kindest thing that can be said about Kesy is that at least his Hellboy is not as badly miscast as the film’s secondary lead, Tom Ferrell. As played by Jefferson White, Tom is supposed to be a former resident of the Appalachian mountains who is haunted by a near deal with this film’s devil, the Crooked Man (Martin Bassindal). However, White never seems to be able to capture the right emotional tone for his character, and he seems largely disinterested during his initial scenes in the movie.
Adeline Rudolph’s Bobbie Jo Song is a character who was created for this film as Hellboy’s partner in the B.P.R.D. (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense), but her inclusion is baffling for a few reasons. First, it was extremely difficult to buy that this Japanese-American woman was in that position barely 15 years after World War II. The film only lightly touches on racism when Bobbie Jo meets a local family in the hills, and then it never comes up again.
But the most egregious aspect of Bobbie Joe’s character is the implication that Hellboy is secretly in love with her. There’s absolutely no chemistry between Kesy and Rudolph to support that turn. And while Rudolph’s performance isn’t as lifeless as her two male co-stars, she’s not great in the movie either.
Even the film’s unintentional comedy isn’t that funny
A bad movie can still be fun to watch, especially if you’re mocking it with friends. Unfortunately, Hellboy: The Crooked Man is one of those bad movies that’s going to be hard to draw much humor from. There’s a lot of shoddy special effects and inexplicably blurry shots that might inspire some jokes. Tom Ferrell’s frequent use of his magic bone may also inspire some laughter.
Yet for the most part, this film’s joyless tone kills any sense of humor or fun that it might have had. It’s such a chore to watch that even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 or RiffTrax writing teams would be hard-pressed to make it entertaining.
If Hellboy: The Crooked Man is the best Hellboy movie that can be made in 2024, then this franchise needs a long rest. That’s a better idea than running a great concept and a fantastic main character into the ground with substandard execution.
Hellboy: The Crooked Man is now available on VOD via Amazon Prime Video and other digital outlets. But there are much better things that you can spend your money on.
